An Open Letter to my Sons on Making War with Self-Doubt

My precious boys,

An open letter to my sons

Self-doubt ranks up there with all of the other self-sins (and there are a bunch of them). Self-Doubt is just as harmful, just as destructive as self-assurance, self-hatred, or self-love because it puts self at the center of the equation.

In my life, I have worked very hard to build things and to accomplish things. I'm a husband, a father, a writer, a pastor, a carpenter... in short, I'm a builder. I build stuff. I've always felt called to leave something behind that brought pleasure and joy to others.

As a young man, I hated when guys my age would say, "us young men are always trying to prove something." It never rang too true to me because I felt as though I always just wanted to do my best. But, the older I get, the more I sense there is some truth to it.

The problem for me is that I cannot say, "us young men" anymore because I'm not a young man and heaven help me if I begin the phrase, "you young men..." because I'm not THAT old yet!

Instead, having gained a small amount of insight to myself, I think I can say, "us men are always trying to prove something."

I'm not saying that we are all consciously motivated by outside forces or trying to live up to the standards of others. Rather, it is to say that we all have a sort of internal standard we are aspiring to.

I Thought I Would be Farther in Life...

When I was 18, a carpenter I worked with in his mid-forties would often say, "I thought I would be farther in life than I am now." My buddies and I would kid him that, if he were in further, we would have to visit him in the old folk's home!

I'm 43 now and have to revisit some of those attitudes! In fact, I often find myself feeling those same things!

This is the kind of temptation to self-doubt we often must make war with. Every man has his own temptations - some to wealth, some to wine, some to women. As you two head off into your college years, you will learn which temptations have their hooks in you more than others.

Make no mistake, you're going to be pulled all manner of different ways. Perhaps you will be pulled toward the gutter vices of pornography and booze. Perhaps your leanings will be more toward the respectable idols of graceless education and self-promotion.

But whatever pull our adversary uses on you, he will no doubt employ this feeling of, "I thought I would be farther..." He may already be using it on you. Perhaps you are saying, "Why can't I get this math? Why don't I already have a car? Why can't I get that promotion? Why don't I know how to surf or roller blade or play the piano as well as so-and-so?" Part of me wants to tell you not to worry, that these thoughts are normal and a part of every man's life, that they will subside as you get older... but another part of me doesn't want to lie to you!

Calling a Spade a Spade

Let's call these thoughts what they are: they are envy. Whenever we think we should have been farther... let's be plain - it is ONLY because we are men with eyes who perceive that others of our age and our station are farther.

If you have been lazy and shiftless, that's another sin we should name. At that point, your lack of progress is obvious and we should not question, "Why am I so far behind?" But if you have been diligent and faithful, let me answer you question with another question: "So far behind what? So far behind whom?"

We want what other men have because other men appear happy with what they have. We know we are not happy with what we have and it eats away at us.

Why are we often unhappy? Where is the joy that Jesus promised to us?

Perhaps I am just showing my own temptations, but I have had many men, in moments of honesty, express these exact same feelings. And, I must always ask myself, "why am I not made happy by what I have?" I receive so much common grace in each day of life and I have so many blessings that are specially tailored to me - you two are among the top of those blessings.

These are the kinds of sermons we have to preach to ourselves to bring us back to the value of God's grace. But, even that isn't quite enough.

Some men take half-measures to save themselves from any manner of defeatist attitudes. And, often, men will lean on their blessings in order to deliver themselves from their self-doubt.

You and I could say, "I shouldn't be discouraged at my progress in life because I have ___." Other, more stoic men will tell you that you are enough (read, 'Kenough' in 2025 to prove how gay stoicism really is) in and of yourself.

Both of these lies will be equally damning to your soul and your home if you swallow them.

I could say, "I am satisfied in life because I have two wonderful sons," but that would put a burden on you to bring me happiness. It's a crushing burden you were never meant to fulfill and one you never could fulfill.

I could also say, "I am satisfied in and of myself and have no need of anyone else to fulfill me." And that kind of mindset leads to all manner of sins and breaking of vows as the man goes off to pursue whatever pleases him and makes him happy.

Both mindsets warp and twist what God meant for good and end up with unsatisfied men.

God's Sovereignty as a Cure for Self-Doubt

I have found, however, that when my joy is found in God - in Christ and in his will for me, I find a kind of joy that doesn't require me to either lean too heavily on others or deny them and look for it in myself.

There is a joy in the sovereignty of God that says,

Naked came I out of my mother's womb,

and naked shall I return thither:

the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away;

blessed be the name of the LORD.

~ Job 1:21

Some of us are one talent servants. Some of us are five talent servants. Some of us are ten talent servants. In the parable of the Master and his talented servants, we read,

Matthew 25:14-15, For the kingdom of heaven is as a man travelling into a far country, who called his own servants, and delivered unto them his goods. And unto one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one; to every man according to his several ability; and straightway took his journey.

The master of the servants gave to each man according to his ability - so it is in God's kingdom!

Do you notice that he gave to them as he chose, but also according to their ability. Men, your heavenly Father not only gives you opportuntiy according to your ability, he also gave you your ability. He chose the moment of your birth, who your parents would be, how tall you were, and how much hair you would or would not have!

Let us not balk at his dispensation for it is all gracious. He gave us life and he gives us opportunity. I want you to rejoice in all of it and use every moment as a gracious gift from God.

Don't spend your time looking back and saying, "I wish I was further in life..." Don't spend your time looking forward and saying, "what is the best way to get ahead?" Spend your life looking to Jesus and serving him with all of your heart, loving each moment and savoring each victory.

And, if our Father gives you one, two, or five talents, know that your reward in heaven is based on your faithfulness to him in this life.

We've only one life. Let's live it well.

Love,

Dad